Cop15 Rap Battle: Al Gore v. Lord Monckton

5 minute read

This is so many kinds of awesome.The guy who put this together is a genius.

And please remember to slap a climate change denier today. Hard. Really… you’re doing them a favour. I’m offering a bounty on Stephen Harper.

RAP NEWS - Copenhagen: Gore v Monckton

FOSTER: Good evening to you, welcome to the news feed of Rap News transmitting through on Juice Media. As you should be aware, the UN and its members hold a meeting in Copenhagen 7th December. A new committee, which, a few have written, is the most important diplomatic gathering in human history. The first was Earth Summit in Ninety two; seventeen years on, climate change still divides views. Is the crisis true? Is it definitely our fault? Former Vice President Al Gore

GORE: Howdy

FOSTER: Mr. Gore, There’s a skeptic core vocally expressing the contention that your text is flawed

GORE: Listen y’all, we can no longer sit on the wall our rollercoaster is headed for a fall. The mission is still to reduce the emissions that kill, but do we have the political will? We see on this still, no need to be clever to see that CO2 and world heat go together it goes way off the tip, I need a crane to see the top and if we don’t stop a bit, we’re headed straight for apocalypse: It’s obvious.

FOSTER: OK, It’s time to debate perspectives. This is Lord Monckton, the climate change skeptic Lord Monckton.

MONCKTON: How do you do.

FOSTER: Climate change. What are your views?

MONCKTON: My views? Well I can explain. My views can be summed up in a word: Anthropogenic? Utterly dumb and absurd. It’s a plot to tax hard working Lords like me and you. Ego Lingua latina non teneo, sed magister meus crebo me paedicavit. We must fight it. It’s our rights they’re trying to target. Bloody pinko green martyrs: they have all been hypnotised by that con artist Al Gore. His video’s fake, Beelzebub’s seed. I said schools should ban it and a British judge agreed. Stop televising him, the temperature is not rising. I’m not lying and unlike Gore, I’m not proselytising.

GORE: well, I’m not prosel-whatchamatising, I’m providing The Inconvenient Truth on DVD for 25.99 and if we keep piling CO2 at a maximum rate, disaster waits, we need Cap And Trade.

MONCKTON: Cap and Trade, that’s just a masquerade, a large charade, a smokescreen for the master race. You can’t escape, the people are rising: They’ll stop Copenhagen and the treaty they’re signing.

GORE: Treaty? What treaty?

MONCKTON: Why, the one that blends all Obama’s friends into a One World Government. If he signs, freedom dies, no more cheap flights…

GORE: But he’ll be in Norway getting his ‘War Is Peace Prize’

FOSTER: Can we see the treaty you mention?

MONCKTON: Oh yeah, It’s right here. Hey! What’s that over there? … You don’t need to see it, I remember the words: They want to tax our wealth for the developing world

FOSTER: And you don’t feel obliged to provide some assistance when we still generate ninety percent of emissions?

MONCKTON: We’re not in debt for emissions, we made the Empire. The natives should pay us for elevating them higher. The Queen kept the money, the poor get the boot. Now they’re running little schemes trying to play us for our loot. Speaking of proof, have you seen Inconvenient Truth? I found 35 fallacies that need to be removed

GORE: 35? Maybe that’s why the academy liked it. Look, It ain’t perfect, but it’s backed by science

MONCKTON: Backed by science trying to attract high finance, keep average guys blind and taxed by tyrants

GORE: Sure, Viscount you care for average guy’s crisis! weeping in your castle as the black tide rises

MONCKTON: And prices: The IPCC are Marxist trapeze artists, bleeding the free market. We’re the target! They’ll keep us herded in corners; One currency, one government, a new world order.

GORE: Better than the coroner, Let this fact just sink in: World. Unite, or face the sixth mass extinction, a feedback cycle, the death of the Gulf Stream. We need ‘Clean Coal’ or it’s the end of the Holocene.

MONCKTON: That’s just postulated, we’ve got to collate it. Secretly these people want the earth depopulated, a communist dictatorship, a way station, good Christians killed by UN Troops and AIDS patients.

GORE: You strain my patience, you scaremongering

MONCKTON: It’s freedom they’re plundering, and you’re the scare monger king!

GORE: I got my nobel prize, I was nearly the president

MONCKTON: I share that prize for revealing this evidence

GORE: You got a pin melted down from a physics experiment

MONCKTON: You`re a pin melted down from a physics experiment

FOSTER: Lord Monckton! Let me hear from you. Have any of your articles been peer reviewed?

MONCKTON: Well, no, but the SPPI has published a few

FOSTER: The Science and Public Policy institute. Their chief policy advisor happens to be who?

MONCKTON: Well, me.

FOSTER: You? So you publish you. I think we’ve heard enough from you. People, please, research the truth. Nowadays it isn’t tough to do. Mister Gore.

GORE: Robert, we need global governance: A new world order to replace local governments.

FOSTER: And I suppose who better to comprise it than the very same people who altered the climate

GORE: Sure, who else?

FOSTER: perhaps the same ones who took care of the planet until we came along?

GORE: OK, Pocahontas! What kinkiness you into? Want us wearing loincloths living in igloos? People need to just carry on: we have schemes to offset emissions by planting trees

FOSTER: Money for new trees? Why not use it to assist local tribes to preserve forests that still exist?

GORE: Would that make me more rich? No, tax is the way. And if that just fails I’ll become Captain Trade

FOSTER: that’s about it for this episode but I’d like to end the show with some thoughts before I let you go. Some commentators are now on their feet saying Climate change is a plot by the Power elite. It’s tempting to cry victim when the system curbs behaviour, but are we the victims or are we the perpetrators? Our wealth was extorted from the turf of our neighbours. Never mind genocide and murder of nature, can we return what we’ve taken in a dignified praxis or keep complaining about paying high taxes?

And as for the pilgrims to ‘Hopenhagen’, hoping that token statements and hope can save them, can reparations and carbon trading hold at bay the payment for two centuries of global raping? If Arctic ice will be mist within six years, can we let these leaders just sit shifting deckchairs? And as we get scared, teetering on the tipping point, at what stage will we consult that missing voice?

In April an Indigenous summit met in Anchorage pledging knowledge to enable us to handle this. We have technology but lack philosophy. How’s sixty thousand years track record in ecology?

To give COP fifteen any kind of relevance shouldn’t we invite the world’s true environmentalists? Well, whatever’s decided, when Copenhagen arrives, I’m Robert Foster for Juice Media saying good night.

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